2.I still emo often ):

as for the rest..well.i would prefer to not say it.its better to keep quiet.and i feel that theres no need to blog about daily life..unless its some highlights.its not like they dont happen to anyone who happens to read this blog.its more about how i feel..its like..filtering off the less major stuff here.things that can come here do,and those that i dont think would be wise to be here.just dont come.

honestly,i dont really know what being in there for 4 years has taught me. being one who observes, its hard to not see that people are materialistic.to the extent of not making friends with those who arnt "up to standards".honestly whats with these people.and somehow it gave me a very wrong perception.

sometimes i really feel sandwiched between "like to" and "should".one is what i see,the other is what the world/majority sees.for that matter,people end up following what others think is right, in other words the "should".seeing much of this sort of affects me.it is just hard to accept that what you are doing is outstanding from others, and that its something that others dont like.somehow my point of view is always different from others, and it just sucks to have people saying "you shouldnt do this" when its a passion.

having said that,i kind of hate my world now.hate my environment and how realistic it is.I believe that from small,everyone has their dreams.say, being an astronaut or a doctor,pilot etc. As others make the decision based on what they feel is good for them, they have closed the doors to such adventures that the child would like.slowly that child grows up,and from answers like "i want to be a astronaut" to "i dont know what i really want."this is exactly the reason why people have normal lives.wakeup work sleep.this makes me hate my world,and it has turned me from a noisy kid to someone who keeps everything to myself.

im a quiet person?no you just dont know me.sorry but try harder next time.(:

also,being a lazy perfectionist sucks.eying for the best but lazy to work for it..somehow it doesnt work out.how many things have i given up just cos i wasnt able to "get/be the best".i gave up playing sports cos i could not win others at it,i gave up piano lessons cos i hated the fact that i couldnt play as well as others.alot more..humanities cos i couldnt understand the reason behind everything.also things like maple,cos its impossible to beat the no-lifers.tried to be one,failed.came to poly,wanted to aim for perfect score.failed.joined co to do certain things,but somehow it just doesnt work out,and i feel like quitting alr.dint want to get into jc cos i couldnt get into the good ones.once gave up on zr cos i couldnt play as well as others..its about being materialistic.

i feel that ive totally disappointed these few people..parents - go for it if its your interest.. others who supported me before i gave up cos i dint hit my standards. her for telling me that having the best is what life is not,be satisfied with what you have/are.and the few people who helped me throughout,but somehow ditched aside cos i was doing other things.im a total letdown.and when you come back,some of those people are there for you,some are just lost.they watch you fail and they say.try again next time.but failure is disheartening.

and lastly i would like to thank a few people for being there.i dont really like to name names,so im just going to say who they are to me.parents for one..her who accepted my requests at her expense and being treated like youre insignificant to me.theres no point in going back now,but if you see this.i really appreciate you for being in my life.(: and also these 2 zr seniors for listening to me whine and emo.honestly you are the reason for me still staying here.thank you.and also this clique that i had in my upper sec life who cheers me up when im down and having those funny class times xD.and last but not least,this lil girl who makes me laugh somehow even when im sad,accompanying me and still getting dao-ed by me whenever i feel like being lazy to reply.for being that funny person.its fate to know you,even though we have other stuff outside this game..thanks for being my mei.:D

and if youre wondering why im being so random..you never know when life ends.*(:*

lately feeling kind of hostile towards a certain person.its not like that feeling wasnt there before,just that after hearing a few things,its getting worse.in fact,somehow im already starting to hate the whole bunch of those people.was i ever close to them?some.did they ever regard me as a good friend?honestly i dont think so.who am i to them?just someone who they talk to when no one else is around?sorry then but.get out of my sight.claiming to be friends.how true are you?ive seen through you for the 2nd time.and youve let me learnt that i shld trust in my judgement and perception.when i decided to be pretentious and ignore others.this is what i get.okay thanks then.

things felt kind of different since i went there.i have this new bunch of friends,got kind of closer to some of them.then..things happened.finding that its impossible to please different groups of people at the same time.im going to make a decision soon.will i regret this decision?hope not.ive regretted the last few.perhaps it is just my adventurous attitude.trying new things,different variations.not sticking to the conventional method of doing things.i just want to know what would happen otherwise,ignoring the other consequences.ive lost much just cos of this quality.someone in cchms.a few of them.and latest.one in another co.doesnt matter?who am i to know or care?they sound familiar to you?oh well.

and im getting less bothered with school work lately.that kind of sucks,and my timetable just doesnt fit.i only have tuesdays,but ive been using most of the tuesdays for my medical appointments.dental and hand.

and ive decided to take ruan lessons,seriously.i dont really have the intention of wanting to compete honestly.i just wanna be a better player.keep pushing myself..its somewhat an interest to me.i duno how long this feeling will last,but i dont really think i shld give up.certain pieces that i wna learn and be able to play..just as a benchmark - "ive been there and done that".i really duno how far i can go..and i feel like buying.its a kind of passion.i kind of hate the fact that i dint know better when i started learning.or i could have been far in this line now.

im now stuck at a crossroad.where shld i head?what shld i do?who shld i trust?i guess.its time to throw those junk feelings away.thanks for letting me know that.early.youre the one i shld thank.i duno if i shld hate you or not..cos youre just there.for me to know.that ive made mistakes.mistakes that made me lose a friend.someone who i kind of shared interests with and was able to trust.you were special to me.people say that they lose themselves and they are unable to decide properly.youre the one who made me understand that.you still are special to me..would you ever understand...?did you know that?i feel that ive lost myself.i cant find myself back..can you tell me?able to console others yet unable to console myself.im a failure.

the feeling of not feeling and not being able to feel.can you feel it?

that describes my mood physically.

as for others.even deleted me as a friend on facebook?okay i understand your point,then pls dont ever let me see you again.i despise a person like you.im not going to call you any names,but just know that i regret doing all those stuff.

and as for those ppl who i cant name.you know yourselves.chances are you wont read this but i dont really care.just stop bitching around.and if you wna go,then.dont go there and be quiet fkers.

done for now.