How much does it take for you to realise that whatever's happening now.is not things that i want to,and the worst has alr happened.i really don't know what to say at this point in time..hopeless?its just you wanting to give up thats affecting this altogether.why?i really ask myself.and i really don't have the answer this time.
be my sweetheart(: @ 4:54 AM
Sunday, November 15, 2009
wow.i hvn blogged for a week.was really getting kind of sick from the dreamsII performance for ccn day.monday was dazu,tues and thurs was rehearsal,wed was sectionals,friday was performance.to sum it up,i went to the studio everyday last week.attendance is over 9000~!
getting kind of tired from the fact that the proj deadlines are all coming up soon.but it was quite eventful the last week.and i believe that ive overspent like nobodys business.took cab 3/4 times due to being late.had supper everyday.went for dinner at imperial kitchen at ngee ann city just before this.and aso buying random stuffs such as flowers and chocolates?
supper with tpco ppl every night was fun,esp friday when we started some scandals.not gna mention it here though.and we got called hei she hui cos the attire was.black top,black pants and covered shoes.and most of the guys wore leather shoes,so it was practically all black.during the performance and those whatevers.
hated thurs night's rehearsal.that useless incharge.only know how to criticise ppl and talk while focusing on the other ccas.the notes for the performance was totally pathetic.fuck them.
dance and salvo were good,all were good.had good comments.like being active and what not.then when it came to co..all we got was shit.its like..totally getting owned and commented like we are worthless.or shld i say,treating us like we are there for the sake of being there,i.e. transparent.okay,thats not really hard to accept,seeing whos the incharge.its alright.not gonna stay if such things dont change.im just a freshie,and ive seen enough of these shit treatment.oh well,1 sentence to them.
see what happened during the actual performance.(gg noobs)
and on fri i slept too late,missing out on my proj on sat.:X totally stressed out.not much worth a mention though.
and sunday nights dinner.the thing was that its like $35 each.cos some ppl fly plane,so we had to play more.well that isnt really the main issue.went to eat,2 tables.1 was the juniors side,the other was our batch ppl.our side was really quiet,cos the girls dint talk much(as usual).until the back part.stupid jokes,and some dota related.the bill was $6xx.
so leon said "hey we eat finish then we lothar away."
well that wasnt much,then stupid variations came in when we finished the food.like.
"you lothar out then you step on mines"
"ltr kana hook back"
LOL.then we proceeded to take lame videos outside the restaurant..dont have it now,will be on facebook soon i guess.well thats pretty much all i wna say about what happened this week.
as for feel.dont think theres a point harping over it anymore.feel alone,leave it be.cant get through to them,leave it be.after all,this was pretty much how i felt before i entered this place,so why cant i live with it?and the worst part.ppl like me need to have time alone sometimes.i really dont know.why is it that,when things come to a bad situation,i try to push it back on course,but instead fail and screw things up.hope this goes back slowly,i really am confused alr.what am i.even when walking on the roads.i ask myself.
how many mistakes have i made?wrong decisions,wrong paths.seeing ppl leave one by one cos i dint bother,seeing some left cos i bothered too much.seeing close ppl suddenly leave for their "own reasons".i hate it.why do ppl live,live to see and TASTE the feeling of everyone leaving them.slowly,one by one.friends,graduate and forget each other.ex,relative,parents,siblings.and finally yourself leaving.
if i will make the wrong decision again,then let me take all the consequences.i'd just die off.thanks,and stop hurting me by making me see someone leave.much happened this year.im not talking about the 2 of them.besides that.those bother me more,whereas they would.just be friends then,whats so hard about doing that.
appt for hand fracture -20/11,and its just one of the many things.
my totally useless gpa of 3.0.dint take grading this year.and others too,quite a few of them.
this much whining is enough for now.1 weeks junk almost all thrown here.the rest..i'd say..dont wanna mention it,as of now.
be my sweetheart(: @ 11:57 PM
Monday, November 9, 2009
i really dont know what to do to make myself feel better.I can console others,knowing how they feel.asking them if a certain option is what they really want..but what about myself?the reluctance to things away,such as the past.have been stopping me from being a better person.just like how i lost the one led to how i lost another.by the same things,somehow.im unwilling to answer my own question.to make my own first step,my commitment.i somehow dont wish to forget,dont want to throw that part of my memories out of my heart.i only wished to keep everything into a box,seal it up and keep it deep in.but it failed.
whats with me now,really.i dont know what to do alr.what kind of shit is this.so for now.ill promise myself.
just.one.small.thing.
i wont ever "like" anyone anymore,not until im able to make her feel safe with me,able to give my trust to her.however.this recent stuff only reinforced one thing.i have to be able to unrelate that person with my past encounters.then only.ill make that move.
and if you ever read this,i wld like to tell you im sorry.it all happened cos.i once let someone go without saying anything,and i lost it.cried back then,hated it,swore not to let such a thing happen again.i really wished that it will not repeat again,and therefore i went overboard.it is MY problem.maybe,you wont understand how i felt then until you feel it.but hope you dont,all the best to you.if it ever happens,remember me.and laugh that someone did this stupid thing before you.
hope i can let go soon.even dreaming of ridiculous stuffs.all the best to me k?get a grip on myself.
be my sweetheart(: @ 11:38 PM
here to blog.the weeks over again.so,i have a calculus test next week,and also stuff like.CCN day performance + the helping out of the class booth.hope i wont get too busy.and i really should start revising my work alr.its been like 2 or 3 weeks since school reopened.
anws,not a good time to be blogging for long.so ill update soon.:X
be my sweetheart(: @ 1:13 AM
Saturday, November 7, 2009
its official.i give up.
be my sweetheart(: @ 4:53 PM
currently waiting for jw to start our wintermaul game.so i shall blog first.
aft this days some things seem to have gotten off my mind.but is it true?is it true that when someone says that time will wash off the bad memories.its just been a week.abit more.ive seen to move on.but it seems like.im still stuck at the same place as the previous times,unable to get further on.and another thing just comes out to trouble me.dying soon.anyone?
few days of school,after school and going to the studio seems to be something that never changes.and cracked alot of stupid jokes while walking to katong today.seems like we have a lot to catch up with.but i somehow just cant bring things out of my mind.is it too long for me to say?ive really no idea.sorry.
sleeping at 4+ everyday.simply cos i really refuse to sleep any earlier.whats going on with me?facing some real problems there.hope i get better soon.besides,seeing some ppl so busy since the start of the sem,and me still idling around.whats wrong with me.
shldnt say more.ill lose control if i do.
be my sweetheart(: @ 1:05 AM
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
wokeup to a very horrible dream.and i hope it doesnt come true.
anws,dint sleep the night before,doing work,playing warcraft3 and watching naruto.and having random thoughts poping out every 5 mins.will be get back to how we once were?guess,the answers obvious.i really should give up on things returning to how it was in the past.yet i dont feel like doing so,i keep thinking.theres hope,dont give up yet.i really dont know what to do anymore.
anw had breakfast with gareth before going for the 9am lesson.hahas talked about random stuff while eating at macs.thanks for telling me that btw.and,it really kind of sucks when you go everywhere and you get reminded of someone,doesnt it.and i koed during the macroecons tutorial,and that sucks.shouldnt have this kind of a night life anymore.
hate whining.i shld quit doing so alr.maybe,for im not a girl.whining is not accepted by some when you're a guy.or is it just that its to the wrong ppl?i hope my judgment doesnt fail me.
off for now.
be my sweetheart(: @ 7:21 PM
formally dead blog revived.just cos i'm too bored.well,lets start with whatever's happened for the last few mths.
holidays were quite boring though.tried to work,but totally failed.dint even earn like 3 digits for the whole hols.and instead,lost the habit of gymming.have to get myself back to work,even though my only consolation for now is.i dint get back to my original weight.
school's started,and my attendance is kind of bad.ive missed a few lessons alr,and i dont even have my project groups settled.its like,no one wants me in their group from what i did last sem.bullshit.i hope i can change this sem.1.2 will be different.no more junk gpa of 3.lets go for the highest now.i must work hard,and i will.and besides results,i shld change the way i treat others too.im just lost some friends*again*.thinking of them again,makes me wonder.in what way did i change since sec1?since the time i lost my first.i was too hasty,too distrusting.not confident in our bonds,our relationships.and after some time,i did it again.when i tot i've managed to overcome the past mistakes,i'm reminded of them.and i just did it again.how many times will i do before i get a hold on myself?i feel like.putting myself to a death sentence.
saying anything doesnt help now,not anymore.LET GO.ill focus on my studies.hope i get to..and lastly.
i'll leave that place if this goes on.
be my sweetheart(: @ 3:00 AM
PROFILE
Shenglong :D
16+ years old Date of Birth: 24June1992 Horoscope Sign: Cancer
loves
theres no need for love.
hates
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